Why Do Bullies Bully? Understanding the Reasons Behind Bullying
Why do bullies bully?
It sounds like a simple question, but there isn’t one answer. A child may bully because it gives them a sense of power, because they’ve learned the behavior somewhere else, or because aggression has become a way to protect themselves. Often, we have to look beyond the incident in front of us to understand what’s really happening.
That doesn’t mean excusing bullying. Students still need to take responsibility when they hurt someone. But if we understand what is driving the behavior, we have a much better chance of changing it.
How Early Do These Behaviors Begin?
Research suggests that some of the social preferences connected to how we view people who are similar or different from us can begin surprisingly early.
Research led by UBC psychologist Kiley Hamlin looked at how infants respond to people who share their preferences compared with those who don’t. In one study, infants tended to prefer individuals who treated similar others positively, but they also showed a preference for individuals who treated dissimilar others negatively.
The researchers weren’t studying bullying, and an infant’s social preferences shouldn’t be confused with bullying behavior. But the findings raise interesting questions about how early our tendencies toward similarity, difference, and social groups begin to develop.
Of course, development doesn’t stop in infancy. As children grow, their experiences and the behavior they see around them can have an enormous influence on how they learn to treat other people.
Bullying Can Be Learned
Children are constantly learning from the relationships around them, including lessons nobody intended to teach.
If aggression regularly gets results, a child may begin to see it as an effective way to handle conflict. If they watch someone gain status by humiliating another person, they may try the same thing. A child who regularly experiences controlling or aggressive behavior may also begin repeating it in their own relationships.
Over time, those experiences can shape what a child considers normal.
This is one reason it’s important to ask what a student may have learned about power, conflict, and relationships rather than simply deciding they’re a “bad kid.”
What Is the Student Getting From Bullying?
When you’re trying to understand why a particular student bullies, pay attention to what happens as a result.
Does the behavior make them feel more powerful? Does it get a reaction from their friends? Have they learned that intimidating other students helps them get their way?
For some children, aggression can even feel protective. If they’re afraid of becoming a target themselves, they may decide it’s safer to establish power first.
The reason will be different for every student, but identifying it matters. If bullying is giving a child something they value, simply telling them to stop doesn’t address what keeps drawing them back to the behavior.
Understanding the Reason Doesn’t Excuse the Behavior
Trying to understand why bullies bully can sometimes sound as though we’re shifting attention away from the student who was hurt. That’s not the goal.
Schools still need to protect students who are being targeted. Children who bully also need clear boundaries and accountability for the harm they’ve caused.
But consequences only address part of the problem.
If a student uses bullying to gain acceptance from friends, we need to address that social dynamic. If they’ve learned to use aggression whenever they feel threatened, they need another way to respond. If humiliating someone makes them feel powerful, we need to help them understand why they’re seeking that power at someone else’s expense.
When we understand what sits behind the behavior, we can do more than tell a student what not to do. We can start helping them figure out what to do differently.
Bullying is a behavior, not a permanent identity. Understanding where that behavior comes from gives us a much better place to begin changing it.
