Bully Proof Your Child Podcast: How Can We Stop Bullying?

Most people think stopping bullying means standing up, fighting back, or proving strength. But what if the real solution has nothing to do with fighting at all?

In this episode of the Bully Proof Your Child Podcast of Why Is Everybody Always Picking on Me?, we explore a different approach. Through the story of the School of No Sword, it introduces the idea that true strength isn’t about overpowering someone else, it’s about knowing how to respond without escalating the situation.

As you read through, you’ll start to see how understanding behavior, building awareness, and developing non-violent skills can completely change how you handle conflict.

Podcast Transcript

Chapter 4: How Can We Stop Bullying

Good morning, and welcome back.

Today, we’re starting a new episode with Chapter 4 from Why Is Everybody Always Picking On Me? A Guide to Handling Bullies. If you’d like to download the book, you can find the link in our show notes.

Chapter 4 is called How Can We Stop Bullying? and the first story is called The School of No Sword.

The School of No Sword Story

There is a story of a famous swordsman from the School of No Sword, which means to defeat an enemy without a sword or weapon of any kind. His name was Bokuden, and he lived many years ago in Japan.

Bokuden was crossing a lake in a rowboat with a group of people.

In the boat with them was a tough-looking and arrogant samurai, which is a type of warrior or soldier, who boasted about how good he was with a sword.

“I am the greatest swordsman,” claimed the strong warrior. “Nobody can beat me.”

The passengers eagerly listened to this braggart’s endless stories about winning many fights, but Bokuden took no notice and was dozing as if nothing were going on about him.

This made the samurai very angry. He came up to Bokuden and shook him, saying, “Hey, aren’t you listening? Come on. You also carry a pair of swords. Why aren’t you joining in on the conversation?”

Bokuden responded quietly, “My way is different from yours. It consists not in defeating others, but in not being defeated.”

This just made the warrior angrier.

“Then what is your school, then?” asked the warrior.

“Mine is known as the School of No Sword,” Bokuden responded calmly.

“Why then do you carry a sword?” cried the samurai.

“To protect myself from wild animals, not to hurt people.”

The braggart became very frustrated, and he shouted, “Do you really mean that you can fight with no sword? Can you fight me with no sword?”

“Why not?” answered Bokuden calmly.

The warrior called out to the boatman to row to the nearest island. Bokuden suggested that it would be better to go to the island farthest away because the nearer island had people who might be attracted to the fight and might get hurt. The samurai agreed.

The boat headed for the island farther away.

As soon as they came near enough, the samurai jumped off the boat and drew his sword, ready for combat.

Bokuden slowly took off his swords and handed them to the boatman, who was about to leave the boat to follow the samurai onto the island, when Bokuden suddenly took a long oar from the boatman and, pushing it against the land, gave a hard backstroke to the boat.

Winning Without Fighting

The boat moved away from the island and out to the sea, leaving the enraged samurai standing on the shore in a combat position. When the boat was safely away from the island, the warrior couldn’t follow.

Bokuden said, smiling, “This is my School of No Sword.”

A New Approach to Stopping Bullying

In this book, I want to show you the way to put an end to bullying.

For those of you who have been bullied, you will be happy to know that you don’t have to be a victim.

For those of you who bully others, you may be happy to know that you no longer need to bully people to get what you need in this life.

I know this will be a challenge for you. Are you ready?

The Three Steps to Stop Bullying

The way to stop bullying is to:

1. Take an interest in stopping it
2. Learn to understand why people bully
3. Develop non-violent skills to deal with bullies

Why Interest in Change Matters

If you truly want to put an end to bullying, the first thing you need is a genuine interest in stopping it.

This interest is not something I can give you. It can only come from you. I have it because I was badly bullied.

Perhaps you have been bullied and you wish you could do something. You can. Maybe knowing that you can will give you an interest.

Perhaps you’ve been bullied and you aren’t even aware of it. If you’ve ever felt that you would like to get back at someone, there’s a good chance you have been bullied.

If you don’t like that feeling of being out of control, you may wish there was a way to put you in charge.

There is.

Knowing that there is a way may give you an interest.

Understanding Why Bullies Bully

The second thing you need is an awareness of how bullies act and a desire to understand why they act that way.

When you understand why the bully acts in a certain way, you are less likely to want to get back at the bully and more likely to work out a way to bring you and the bully to some level of agreement.

At the very least, you will understand the bully’s needs and learn what you must do to protect yourself.

If you are a bully, once you understand what you are wanting, you will see ways you may be able to change and still get what you want.

Understanding Conflict and Why We Fight

Who do you fight with? Your brothers or sisters? Your parents? Classmates at school?

In order to not fight, it’s important to look at the reasons why we do fight. Here are some reasons why other young people fight. Are they similar to yours?

Common Reasons People Fight

Someone makes fun of you. Someone embarrasses you. Somebody wants something you have, or you want something somebody else has. You feel empty or hurt and want to hurt back. Somebody wants to control you or make you do something that they want you to do, or you have a need to control someone or make them do something you want them to do.

You are jealous of someone, or someone is jealous of you. Someone wants to do better than you, or you want to be better than someone you know. You are hanging out with the wrong crowd, or someone wants to prove how tough they are.

Learning to Think Before Reacting

What are other reasons you can think of?

Once you understand why another person wants to fight with you or why you want to fight with them, you can think about fighting before you actually fight. You can stop yourself from reacting out of fear and think about what you can do to prevent a fight from ever taking place.

Talk about control.

That really takes a lot, but it can be done.

Developing Non-Violent Skills

Along with an interest in learning how to stop bullying and an understanding of why bullies bully, the third thing you need is to develop non-violent skills to deal with bullies.

There are ways to win that do not involve fighting.

The Power of Not Fighting Back

Bokudun proved this with his School of No Sword. He won by not fighting. Bokudun was a master warrior because he knew how to win without hurting others or getting himself hurt.

This takes know-how and practice.

When you’ve been confronted by bullies, you may have spent a lot of time trying to figure out ways to fight, to get back. What I’m saying is just the opposite.

Building Confidence Without Fighting

Once you’ve learned alternative non-violent skills, you will have the confidence and know-how not to fight.

You’ve probably been threatened with a fight at one time or another. Perhaps you’ve had to fight or run away to avoid getting beaten up.

Maybe you’ve discovered that neither fighting nor running away is a good way to solve conflict, and both can hurt you, physically or mentally.

Let’s look at what it means to have the confidence not to fight. It’s actually very simple.

Fight, Flight, or Freeze Response

If a bully picks on you, you don’t know how to defend yourself. What happens? Do you take a stand and fight back? Do you run away?

If you do one of these things, you are not alone. Most people do because they are afraid and don’t know another way.

When you’re afraid, however, what happens is that you freeze up. This tensing of your body and mind does not help you. As a matter of fact, it can contribute to you getting hurt.

Physical vs Non-Violent Self-Defense

There are two types of skills you need to handle a bully’s attack. One is physical self-defense skills, and two are non-violent alternatives.

The more you learn about these skills and alternatives, the more exciting it gets.

Gaining Confidence and Control

You may begin to find out that you have control in situations that have threatened you in the past.

If you knew you had the skills to protect yourself from any attack by a bully, wouldn’t you feel less afraid and more confident? Being less afraid, you wouldn’t freeze up, right? And being less afraid, you wouldn’t need to fight back, right? Nor would you have to run away.

That’s the end of chapter four in Why Is Everybody Always Picking on Me? A Guide to Handling Bullies by Dr. Terrence Webster Doyle. If you would like to download the full book, you can do that here.

Thank you for being here.